a salty slap to the nuts ( or eluding consistency)

so I got my friend's car towed this morning, the result of the Stevens Neighborhood's fluctuating parking schedule and my absentmindedness- or, as was just articulated by the owner of the car: the "pile of irresponsibility" that I and others recognize as Ryan.

I don't disagree with this characterization, as I've often discribed my life as: Piles on top of other piles- intermingling collections of unorganization on a dusty floor reflecting the mis-interest of the things that come to me in the mail, that I reach out for at the library, the remnants of the pseudo-endevors of my education lingering within reach and out of sight (thank god), or the various periodical publications that I don't ever really want to take the time to sift through.

And this anxiety I have for periodicals, for any type of text that is produced at some sort of consistent, typically daily rate- now this is a hard nut to crack. It's connected to how people watch baseball, I've now learned, this comfort of consistency that eludes me, or that I am eluding, yes that's it. The anxiety is of being talked over- DO OVER! of people talking over themselves, before they finish what they were initially trying to say- which is how I exist anyway, especially when I'm writing while stoned, where flashes of flavor connect allong themselves, alright, amidst the effort of disavowing, of abandoning these thoughts even as they meet permanence- your sentences can really take some hard turns but that's what I like anyway, in literature, characters who make swift, momentous stabs at their own definition and deconstruction. They expand across the pages in my mind, instead of being absorbed more and more into the titles and headlines, leaving less to be uncovered, leaving less- just breaths before the next concussion of darker, grosser letters.

I just don't know what to read.

Oh, don't get me started on the word "just," pitting the entirity of existense against a single contingency, an inescapably convenient condition of need. Face the dictionary like a goodboy:
Main Entry:
1just
Pronunciation:
\ˈjəst, ˈjüst\archaic variant of joust

eh?

Function:
adjective
Etymology:
Middle English, from Anglo-French & Latin; Anglo-French juste, from Latin justus, from jus right, law; akin to Sanskrit yos welfare
Date:
14th century

a little better... but it's the adverb I'm after:

1 a: exactly, precisely b: very recently 2 a: by a very small margin : barely b: immediately, directly 3 a: only, simply b: quite, very

Nothing to back it up with... oh I have to work now, but before I also wrote this, which no longer belongs, the blog is lying!

This sort of connected to the idea of the car getting towed in this idea that people are responsible for the things that belong to them, to the extent that the threat of consequence shadows over the value of the things themselves- in where they are kept, in the condition that they are left in, in the ease of their re-emergence from a catalog. Bills and Paystubs are objects of some of my worst neglect, right after the various hakneyed efforts to either continue my education, figure out how to move to Germany, or even just secure some sort of rewarding/longstanding/tolerably lucrative employment.